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I'm 30 years old and I feel clueless and helpless when it comes to dating, particularly with the beginning stages. I'm sorry this is long; I just want to give as much insight as possible if I'm asking for advice.

I've had two long-term relationships which were both pretty much a disaster. Last year I was in a long distance relationship which was also a disaster. This year, I've been trying to focus on myself and more on casual dating. Or, I should say, I no longer go into a relationship expecting it to work out. One thing I've come to realize about my past relationships is that I tended to "cling" to people who I thought could make me happy. I realized after last year's relationship ended that I'm the only person who can make me happy and it's really helped me have a healthier outlook on relationships.

With that being said, I feel that now that I have a better understanding why past relationships didn't work, I have no idea how to move forward. One problem I'm having is getting really excited about people at first, like we have a date and I really like them but, afterwards, I see potential problems that signal the relationship won't work. I've been really picky about who I go on dates with because of the pandemic. I try to talk to people for at least a few days or more before going on a date.

So I've been on a few dates and it's been with really cool people with similar values and opinions and worldviews, interests and stuff. And we get along great but then after I think on it I realize stuff like, we just didn't really have energy together beyond being able to hold a conversation, we live too far away, not emotionally compatible, conflicting lifestyles/life goals, etc. In each case I've talked to the guy and explained my view and it seems mutual like, yeah, we probably won't work out.

So it's just kind of wearing on me meeting people who I click really well with in the most important ways, but there's always something that interferes. I'm a very open and honest person and I find it's easy to get people to open up to me, for the most part, so it's been pretty easy to figure out within a date or two if it's definitely going to flop. I'd almost say I'm being too picky but the fact that the guys agree with me makes me think I'm not.

So back to that thing about being too excited when I first meet people. I've been on yet another date with a really cool guy. We met on Tinder, which I know is a great platform for finding love but, hey, I actually know a couple of people who've met their spouses there and seem very happy so who knows? Anyway, we'd matched a few months ago and had been talking a bit. I got a bit frustrated with the dating scene and kind of ghosted him. Not to be a jerk and not because of him but just the whole "this is crap; I'm deleting my account".

Surprisingly, we matched again this week and this time I just went full force and the first thing I said was that we were going to go on a date, which he seemed pleased with. So we met, hung out for a bit and were getting along well. Other than that "we just met" kind of awkwardness, I didn't feel weird with him at all not did I feel like he was just trying to get laid. So after a couple of hours, we went back to my place, played board games, listened to music, talked, just chilled. I told he could stay as long as he liked and so he spent the night. We kissed and cuddled but didn't go beyond that. We have plans to see each other again this week.

So here's the part where I get confused. The other dates I've been on, they've been nice guys (not "nice guys" but genuinely so) but my initial reaction after spending some time with them is, like, we could maybe work out, but then I consider the impediments. After my most recent date I've been thinking about how it went, how we interacted, things we discussed and I actually kind of want to make it work with him.

Now, obviously, we just met so there's still a lot we don't know about each other and still room for complications. He's told me a few things that I would want to talk to him about more in the future before getting really serious, but nothing that has made me say "this definitely won't work". I'm not saying I want to settle down and spend the rest of my life with him but, if things keep going well...who knows?

And I genuinely like him as a person. It's not just a singular thing like a shared sense of humor or intelligence. I can't put my finger on it directly. I just like him. I liked being around him. I felt comfortable, like I was hanging out with a buddy. And when we kissed, my whole chest felt fluttery.

So I am feeling these good things but I can't help but wonder...is it just going to be like the others? We'll go on our next date and then everything will come out? I can accept that if it does; I'm definitely not going to try to force anything. But the thought is making me nervous. And I don't know how to do this. Like...how many dates do we have before I ask to make it official? Is it too soon to even be thinking about that? I don't want to scare him off but I'm quite interested in him and he seems to be in me. I do know I shouldn't rush things but I don't know, completely, how to avoid that other than obvious stuff like "don't move in together right away" ha. But I mean...if we genuinely like each other we shouldn't hide those feelings for fear of "rushing" right?

I just really need help right now. This is the first person I've met in awhile that I actually feel good about possibly having a long term relationship with and I don't want to mess it up.

TL,DR: Met someone I actually want to date but I am not good with relationships and I feel kind of clueless.