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my last attempt of a relationship went extremely bad. let me go into small detail on how i’m an anxious person when it comes to a relationships.

1. clingy
2. if our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until the partner does. e.g. bunch of calls and text
3. fear we aren’t loved back. try to show our affection. scares people away
4. sensitive to small fluctuations in partners moods and actions. take partners behavior to personally. experience a lot of negative emotion within the relationship and get easily upset.
5. when they provide reassurance and security, we feel content.

these are just a few of what goes inside my mind when talking to a girl. not to mention that i have anxiety. the inability to turn your brain off from thinking, and putting a negative spin to, every possible action, reaction, and thought. You're always thinking/expecting that you messed up, that everyone is annoyed or upset with you, or that things will turn out bad. And when you inevitably annoy or disappoint people for real and catch flak for it, it can set you back further. It can make you feel as though your irrational fear and self-doubt is justified.

when it comes to manipulative, i think i am one. my father is still a manipulative person. he would manipulate my mom emotionally and physically. i vouched never to touch a woman in a disrespectful manner every since i saw my dad lay his hand on my mom. i guess throughout the years i might have catched on to his habits, i mean after all he is my father and i’ve lived with him for 18 years. i’m 19 now. when it came to talking to a girl, things would go well but i would always rush things and be to obsessive. when the girl that i was talking to said she wants to get to know me as friends but doesn’t want anything serious. i completely lost it because not so long ago we were being romantic and so hooked on to eachother. she later asked for space. i did a few things that i’m still not ready to forgive myself on. i remember on night i called her saying i was having a breakdown (which i really was)but i called her so she can feel bad for me and maybe give me a second chance. i constantly remind her that i’m like this bc of my past, again, hoping she’ll feel bad for me and maybe give us a chance.

a couple of days ago, i texted the girl that i needed space from her. only for me to text her the next day saying i’m sorry and that i want to be friends again. very toxic. i threw ideas like hanging out and forgetting about what happened. i realized i should’ve given her the space that is required. with all this being said i think i’m obsessive, anxious, and manipulative. if anyone can confirm that would be great. also i’m here for any advice on how to overcome these toxic and unhealthy traits. i’ve been going to counseling but i feel as if that isn’t enough.

somethings i’ve been working on, these are things i try to keep in mind to better myself.

1. happiness is something that should come from within and should not be dependent on our mates. our well being is OUR RESPONSIBILITY. and theirs is not ours. in the future we can move up to that (marriage). in simple terms love yourself first.
2. learn to set better boundaries. expectation. communication
3. if you just wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions you will see everything is alright
4. how to be happy: not giving a single shit what people think. i know im a good caring person. i always try to do the right thing.